Writing & transmissions
The Loneliest I’ve ever been
Grief is one of the loneliest walks on earth. Every story and experience is so different. Every relationship unmatched. Every human so unique. And yet, everyone experiences this pain someway, somehow.
For years, while my mom went through cancer treatment, I watched others around me living their lives seemingly innocently and freely while I felt hopeless, heavy and alone, often thinking,
“Nobody gets it. No one knows what this feels like – to feel the weight of the unknown deep in my gut. To feel like I can’t make plans for my life or fully commit myself to the things I desire to experience because it could all take a turn at any moment, and then what will become of my life?! Of me?!”.
Even though I was doing a lot, I felt like I couldn’t give my full attention…
One Year of ELLIE•FLOW
I’ll never forget sending the emails to reveal the (re)new(ed) platform for my work last year. It was a sunny Friday afternoon, and I sat at the table in our back yard. I hadn’t expected to be at home that day – we had a wedding to attend out of town but a few days earlier my husband wasn’t feeling well and we opted not to make the trip. In the liberated and unexpected space that became available, I felt the call, “It’s time, she’s ready, they’re ready, you’re ready.”
EllieFlow had first dropped in a year earlier, during a time when I could hardly move most days, so stricken with shock and grief, feeling quite empty and disconnected as everything I had placed value on previously didn’t seem relevant anymore. I had fully released my previous businesses a month or so earlier, and embarked on sabbatical as I grappled with what would come of me, of my life, of my marriage, of my home, of my family, of my future, and more.
The power of surrender when you have nothing left to give: A personal REflection at the 2-year anniversary of my mom’s death
As we crossed the threshold of 2 years without my mom yesterday, it felt like I transversed so many aspects of myself and all that I am willing to dance with to live fully, freely and in connection with mySelf, others, the Earth, God, and Life. I even surprised myself in a few ways this weekend…
My journey from Broken-open to More Myself
This morning I cried so. many. tears. Through the phone, my dad read me pieces of his journal from the weeks leading up to my mom’s death 2 years ago (almost to the date). He beautifully recorded things I said, things Mom said, etc. Then, I sent him photos I have of her from 6 days before she departed. What we couldn’t see or know then, for our own protection so we could stay hopeful and present, always amazes me. There are so many deeply private and indescribable pieces of being with someone as they die, and in beginning the journey into a life without them. There is no way to prepare. Those weeks broke me open beyond words and understanding. I have been forever changed and carved by the past 2+ years.
Allowing Life to break me open (& INTRODUCING THE MORE MYSELF GROUP PROGRAM)
When life broke me open, everything I knew it to be was shattered. Not only had I lost my Mom, but huge pieces of who I thought I was felt like they were stripped away with her. I had already been engaged in deep internal renewal for years leading up to this time, but when she died, things that used to matter didn’t matter at all anymore. Things I used to like and want in my life no longer felt alive and important at all…
there is Grief in every Layer of healing
Written originally on August 5th, this is a stream of consciousness writing that came out of me in a moment of deep realization. It is meant to witness, open, and offer compassion to any and all that are moving through a grief or loss process. I do still have a powerful relationship and connection to my mom, when I speak of her absence in this writing, I am referencing her physical presence and life.
A portal of rebirth: a One year reflection
For me, August has been all about reflecting, resetting, and grounding into the places I have expanded into over this past season. This week I have felt deeply emotional, thinking back to a year ago and how much has shifted since then. Late August through early October last year I hit some of my lowest grief moments, yet today I stand here open and full of life.
The internal grief clock (a poem for compassionate witnessing)
I wrote this poem in the summer of 2021, a raw 5ish months after my mother’s passing (Feb 19th). This expression explores and puts words to the quiet hardening that often happens as any anniversaries or important dates approach when living with grief and loss.
In my experience, grief can can creep up or come on suddenly, and now almost a year later the way it makes itself present in different than when I wrote this, but my body remains powerfully synched with my internal grief clock.
My hope in sharing this poem and experience is to extend compassionate witnessing and holding to others experiencing deep grief of any kind, as well as space and love to invite the sacredness back in to your process.